As I initially began writing this piece, I was firing from both barrels with lines like, “children never recover from divorce – ever,” and “you’re lying to yourself if you think that it’s better that you’re divorced than for your kids to hear you argue every day.”
Well, those things may be true (and by and large, they are), but I decided to change my slant a little bit. Instead of focusing on what’s already come to pass with Jon and Kate, let’s focus on what we can learn from the unfortunate demise of this marriage.
When a couple decides to have children, they should try to keep in mind that statistically speaking, the addition of their first child will be the most challenging thing they have yet to undertake. It’s the most stressful event on a marriage. In our modern-medical-miracle society of multiple births, this stressful event is magnified. I remember last year when our first child was born, there was nothing that could have prepared me for the sleep deprivation, the hormonal upheaval, and the time deficit in our marriage. Couples must find support systems (also a challenge in our modern, individualistic society).
Another thing to consider: marriage counseling…before it gets bad. My husband and I have had a rough year, adjusting to life with a baby. We sought out marriage counseling when our son was about 7 months old, and have continued, occasionally, to this day. As a marriage therapist myself, I came across a statistic once that grieved me: couples generally wait seven years after their marriage starts to have trouble before getting help. The even more unfortunate component is that after 7 years, feelings have become deeply entrenched and are very difficult to reverse: difficult, but not impossible. Don’t wait to get help.
Finally, two words: DATE NIGHT! I don’t care what your excuse is! Go on dates! If you’re poor and can’t afford a date, go to Barnes & Noble and look at magazines, books, etc. Maybe save your pennies and splurge on a hot chocolate at the coffee bar and share it! Time alone together will take on new meaning as you suddenly have your spouse to yourself and get to be the center of their attention, as well.
If you find yourself in a situation like Jon where he said, “I was too passive. I finally stood up on my own two feet, and I’m proud of myself” (People Magazine, July 6, 2009), please try to find a way to stand on your own two feet without having an affair and divorcing your wife. Find another man (if you’re a man) or woman (if you’re a woman) who has a strong marriage and can mentor you until you are able to stand in a HEALTHY way, WITH your spouse, on your own two feet. Jon has nothing to be proud about here. He just upended his family, and changed everyone’s life forever.
If you find yourself being pursued by someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse, RUN THE OTHER DIRECTION! Ask yourself this question: do you want to be with someone who would pursue a married person? Obviously that person has poor moral order in their life, and no boundaries. Such a person does not care about the feelings and needs of other people or he/she would not be attempting to pursue you and break up your family. Attraction, schmaction, you’re asking for trouble. Who’s to say that once you divorce your family and go running into his/her arms, they won’t do it again?
On the flip side, if you find yourself interested in someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse, throw some cold water on your face, and WAKE UP! My husband’s favorite new line is: “The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!”
If you know your marriage is suffering, make some guidelines for yourself: do not spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex, do not confide in someone of the opposite sex your personal problems, do not have long phone or email conversations with someone of the opposite sex. All these things can and will open the door to creating too much intimacy with someone who is not your spouse, and your already struggling marriage will not be able to take it.
Finally, and I personally believe this is where Jon and Kate went wrong, when you are married with children, your kids do not come first. Let me repeat myself: when you are married and you have children, your children should not be your first priority. Maybe that sounds wacky, but your spouse should be your priority, because when you have a healthy relationship with your husband or wife, that will spill over into your relationship with your kids. When you come home from work, greet your spouse first, then the kids. When you leave, say goodbye to your spouse first, then the kids. Let your children see you kiss and hold hands – when children see that their parents love each other, they feel secure, and it helps build their self-esteem and self-image. (Just keep it G rated!) Nothing is better for a child than to know that the two people whose sexual union created him or her, are deeply devoted to one another and work to keep their love for each other alive.
- Heather Bjur (Field Supervisor for MSC)
