Today as I have been working at my desk, I’ve been feeling discouraged.  The world around me seems to be falling apart.  It appears that marriage, as an institution, is crumbling.  Each week I hear a new story of how some child’s parents are divorcing and how sad the child is because of it.

I kind of just want to scream at the top of my lungs:  HAS EVERYONE LOST THEIR MINDS?!?!?!?!?!?!?

First of all, contrary to what some people think, marriage is an amazing phenomenon, and I can think of a veritable cornucopia of reasons why:

• Marriage gives me someone to talk to, basically any time I want to talk
  
• Marriage makes me feel safe, because my husband has my best interest at heart
  
• My husband = a warm body to put my cold toes on
  
• Sex…without regrets, guilt, manipulation, or STD’s
  
• Marriage is the safest place for us to raise our baby, which was conceived after the wedding….
  
• According to the research, at the end of my life, I will be wealthier than my single girlfriends
  
• My husband prompts me to be the best person I can be, not only for my own sake, but his as well
  
• Marriage makes me look at my flaws and try to change my bad habits, because I don’t want to be mean or rude to my husband…looking at my flaws isn’t necessarily a bad thing
• According to the research, my husband and I both will be healthier than our single counterparts, throughout our lives
• When I put on 40 pounds during my pregnancy, my husband said I was beautiful…now that’s real love.

You know, there are a lot of marriages out there that are rotten.  I fully acknowledge that.  And there are a lot of rotten spouses.  But people seem to use that as an excuse to get divorced.  Why not try to become a better person?  Why not put your children and your spouse in front of your own selfish desires and personality quirks?  Why not be a bigger person, for the betterment of society as a whole..

What happens when one couple divorces?  What happens when one wife is cheated on?  What happens when one child grows up only seeing his daddy every other weekend and holidays?

Life, as they knew it, will never be the same.

It’ll never be the same for the man, woman, and children in that divorcing family.  Never, ever, ever, ever.  And don’t believe the people who say, “Children are resilient; they’ll bounce back from the divorce.”  It’s a lie.  Children are resilient, but they will never be the same again.  Maybe some children will have little fallout from the divorce…those children are few and far between.  The vast majority of children will have to deal with their parent’s divorce in some shape or form, for the rest of their lives.

Let me touch on one issue before I close.  If you’re reading this, and you’re a divorced parent, I’m not here to condemn past actions. Go forward and do better.  That’s all we can do.  Take what you’ve learned and teach your children about relationship skills, teach them about commitment, courage, facing challenges, and the simple fact that life isn’t easy.  Teach them to value honesty and integrity.  If you don’t know how to do that, learn.  It’s never too late.

If we lose marriage as an institution, we lose it all, folks.  Marriage is the building block for family; family is the building block for community; community is the building block for the state, the state for the nation, and the nation for the world.  If we lose the foundation of marriage, it won’t be long before we lose civilized society as a whole.

Let’s not screw this up, America.  I want a healthy environment for my son to find a wife.  He’s 8 months old.  What will life be like in 18 or 20 years?  It’s in your hands.  And your homes.

By Heather Bjur (Field Supervisor for Make a Sound Choice)

Opponents of abstinence education were celebrating yesterday when a new study from a researcher at Johns Hopkins University found that there was little difference in sexual behaviors between religiously active teenagers with conservative parents who took an abstinence pledge at age 17 and religiously active teens with conservative parents who didn’t. In both groups half had had sex for the first time by age 21, more than 3 years later than the average American teenager, half of whom have had sex by age 17. The average number of sexual partners for the half which did start having sex was three, well below the average number of sexual partners for those young adults who started having sex at an average age of 17.

Since the number of sexual partners is a primary factor in one’s risk for sexually transmitted diseases, the ones who waited until age 21 surely had much lower rates of ever having been infected with an STD, although the study did not look at that. Research shows that girls who wait until their 20s to start having sex have a 200% lower risk to develop cervical cancer than those who start having sex in their teen years. And we can also be pretty sure that none of the ones who abstained from sex until age 21 were involved in a teen pregnancy!

What critics fail to notice is the obvious–that in this day and age, with the right support and guidance significant numbers of teens can delay sexual involvement well beyond the teen years. Yes, a one-time abstinence pledge may not show a significant difference to those who already have a worldview that values committed relationships and deferring sexual gratification. What the critics also fail to notice is the half who were still waiting to have sex at age 21. In the sex-saturated, sex-obsessed culture in which we live, that is an achievement worth pondering.

What this and other studies show is that the positive message to delay sexual involvement until one is ready to make a monogamous commitment in the context of marriage needs to be repeated in the college years, with deeper content about the emotional, social as well as physical health benefits to oneself, ones future children and to the community. For instance, research shows that those who do wait until marriage have higher levels of romance and less conflict than those who don’t wait until marriage.

Jane Rosenbaum, the study’s author, emphasizes that the pledgers who did start having sex by age 21 had a lower rate of using condoms, which she attributes to the fact that most abstinence education programs inform students about the use failure rates of condoms in preventing pregnancy or disease. For example, the Family Planning Perspectives journal reported in 1999 that one in four sexually active teen couples who use condoms become pregnant within one year. Presumably, Ms. Rosenbaum would have health educators censor this information, as do many “comprehensive” sex ed. programs.

A number of studies show that ones risk for infection with STDs including HIV, the virus that leads to AIDS, is related more strongly to ones number of sexual partners than to whether or not condoms are used. Some studies even show that those who use condoms more have higher rates of infection with HIV and other STDs, since they are also more likely to have many more sexual partners. While condoms can provide significant partial risk reduction for some STDs, reducing one’s number of sex partners, ideally to one in the context of marriage, can be even more important. Basing our nation’s sexual health prevention strategy entirely on condom promotion is a tired idea that has already failed here in the U.S and around the world.

Richard Panzer, Ph.D., Director
Free Teens USA/Center for Relationship Intelligence
Westwood, NJ
(www.freeteensusa.org) (www.freeteensyouth.com)